Gwent officer’s fundraising run and sharing her own battle

I am a single parent, Police Officer since 2005 and I have been suffering with Complex PTSD since 2017. In June this year after the loss of a beloved family member and an increasing sense of despair I became suicidal. For 6 years I endured hypervigilance, insomnia, emotional flashbacks, self harm and a negative sense of self. I lost three stone, drank up to fifteen cups of coffee a day, deprived myself of food as a maladaptive way to function and cope which prolonged my suffering. In February this year I stopped taking medication because I was so ashamed of my disorder. Telling a person you are suffering intrusive thoughts about ending your life is terrifying but it was the bravest thing I have ever done and I consider myself to be a brave person.

Since 2017, I received EMDR treatment through my employers Gwent Police, CBT, attended a woodland centre and guest lectured on occasion at Bristol UWE speaking about self harm, suicide and suicidal ideation- but it was just as important to have the right support from friends and family. For a long time it was two steps forward and two back.
This year I stopped sabotaging my recovery, walked away from unhealthy habits and relationships with no reciprocity or balance. I concentrated solely upon my children, recovery, became more disciplined, more organised and began speaking openly. My authentic self quickly reappeared and I felt as though an old friend had returned. I feel creative and ambitious again.